CHUMMA CHUMMA DEY DEY

First kisses.

Don’t we all remember those? When you were walked home and your steps were so lackadaisical that you felt like you might as well crawl to your front door. When the evening went off so well that you couldn’t ever imagine such humorous, exciting conversation with someone you were introduced to only a few weeks ago. When that someone says that last goodnight on that magical evening and you look down, shy and coy. When in the most fortuitous fashion, the sudden soft breeze blows a strand or two of your hair across your face and before you can brush it aside, you feel the gentle slide of a finger under your eye and over your nose, which by now is stone cold with nervousness. And then it happens, that first gentle union of two almost trembling lips, expressing the most intimate of all emotions.

Most women would read the above and slap me so tight, I’d probably never be able to straighten my face again. And they’re right—the above hardly ever happens. And Cheems says that if it does, it only means that the girl in question has settled for mediocrity, something that Indian women do all the bloody time anyway. So I thought I’d take it upon myself to embark upon the painful and masochistic journey of telling men where they go wrong, a step by step guide to what not to do when you kiss and by the end of it all, how to avoid making your woman feel like a gush of sewage water in Dharavi. I of course have nothing to lose considering there is absolutely no more wrath that I can encounter that I haven’t already. So here are the four broad categories of absolute god awful kissing.

RIP AND ZIP: So what is your deal man? It was all ok till your teeth got involved and all hell broke loose. Did you not get chew toys as a baby? Did your parents deny you your share of chewing gum 'coz you didn’t deserve it for flunking math in every class? Were you brought up by the village cow and therefore each cud masticating session would take a day? Then why do you treat my lips like a piece of prime rib in a Texas steak house? Who the hell told you that ripping a woman’s lips apart is a form of rough erotic foreplay? Well, it’s not. It’s uncomfortable, disgusting and leaves me looking like Kangana Ranaut after two failed lip jobs. So please, stop watching heavy duty violent kissing scenes in C-grade East European movies and expect the same. At least they get paid.

GILLETTE SERIES SATAA SAT: Ok so I like men who shave in general—not clean shaven necessarily but I can do without the stubble as I find it as sexy as I would find sporadic cacti growth in the Thar Desert. And when you have thorny shrubs growing out of your damn face it’s bad enough, but when you rest it on my mine, that’s just wrong. No where to run, not a place to hide, I have to put up with your sandpaper excuse for a mouth doing the tango across my lips. The only image that comes to my mind when this happens is my male classmates in my pre- puberty years and that maybe this was revenge for the amount I used to beat them up and steal their tiffin boxes. Yes, you kiss so badly, I have nightmares on how I ever let you orally massacre me so badly, I now look like a 3 year old who smeared her mom’s lipstick all over her face. And if I wanted to get cozy with hurtful spikes, I’d go get myself a porcupine.

ZABAAN SAMBHAL KE: This is one of those ‘how much is too much’ zones and people do tend to get a little confused. Well boys let me tell you what too much is. Too much is when you choke me with that hose of a tongue of yours which you probably should only use when eating and talking to your mommy with. Too much is when you slobber my face like a dog would to his owner after days of separation. Too much is when you paint my mouth with your saliva like you would a goddamn envelope. Too much is when you think of these as a cone of your favourite ice cream than a pair of lips. And you know what’s even worse? Too much is when you think you’re doing great. You feel you’ve won me over because this is your idea of a passionate encounter. Well darling, I would rather sit through my geeky scientist uncle’s particle physics lectures while listening to Altaf Raja than be on another date with you. You know the way out, oh and please shut the door behind you.

DEAD FISH SYNDROME: So Cheems was back from a date one Saturday night and I was awake to hear all the details of the evening. It had been quite a while since a boy that handsome walked into our apartment. The man had it all—he was good-looking, smart, talented, tall (very important) and had one of the most glamorous jobs in the country which required him to LIVE in the Rashtrapati Bhawan. It seemed perfect 'coz you know how when you meet a man in this country who looks good, speaks well and does not treat you like a the dirt coagulated in his toenails, you think you’ve hit a jackpot. So she came home and I had the wine ready, but only to watch her race into her room, slam the door and plonk herself on her bed. As I opened the bottle, she looked at me and said “His tongue was like a dead fish. I kid you not, it just lay there, in my mouth, with no hope, no pulse, no soul. We just stayed like that for 2 and a half minutes and then it was over. Yes, that was our first kiss.” Needless to say he never came back. I told Cheems that you couldn’t really blame the guy. I mean the only woman he had to practice on was Rashtrapati Bhawan's prime inhabitant, so what did you expect? Fireworks?

Also issues of hand placement and motor coordination must also be urgently addressed. Why the hell do your hands have to behave like a Gujju aunty in a Kala Niketan end of season sale man? Control them, it’s our first date. So NO, this is not an episode of VH1 All Access.

So you see gentlemen, the above is what we’ve been wanting to tell you for a while now, but can’t 'coz then that involves conversation, which single working women have no time for. So just follow the above guidelines and you should be ok. I rarely do request posts but this is one that I owed to women around the country maybe the world and which guy would not want an easy handbook to some action no? I would love to hear your experiences with trashy kissing and face rape, along with applicable tips for best results.

So kiss away!